On Free-Falling

Today's a monumental day for me; I'm officially unemployed. — Medellin, Colombia

I was laid off from Amazon two months ago, and I arrived in Colombia a month ago, but today is the first day that I’m officially unemployed. My “notice period” is over, and I woke up today with the feeling that I’m officially free-falling.

It’s funny, I’ve spent most of my career terrified of layoffs. I’ve led the meetings where executives make the final call, coached managers through breaking the news, and said goodbye to peers who I couldn’t believe were being let go. Every time, I walked away questioning how I would ever handle the news if I was next. Would I collapse? But, two months ago, it finally happened to me, and I’ve actually never been happier.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is a privileged perspective. I’ve saved aggressively, have no real financial commitments, and am comfortable “roughing it” for a while. But I can’t deny that stepping away from my career has offered me joy and perspective that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Here’s what I’ve thought about in the past few weeks.

Non-Attachment, but in a capitalist society

The first two weeks of my travels, I stayed at a silent meditation retreat up in the Andes Mountains, about 2-3 hours outside of Medellin, Colombia. Meditating 6-8 hours a day was an incredibly challenging experience. In our daily seminars (the only time we were allowed to talk) our guru often discussed non-attachment, a core tenant of Buddhism. Suffering is inevitable, but attachment causes 10 times the suffering. I thought a lot about how attached I was to not just my job, but my sense of prestige, my quality of life — and that, as I had realized, these things could be taken away at any time.

It’s difficult to not be attached to a job, especially in the United States. We rely on jobs for food and housing, but also healthcare, community, and something to care about. While I don’t think we (or I) will be able to practice full non-attachment to our careers, I’ve vowed to stop making a job my identity. I will never again be “Zefan from Amazon,” or anywhere else. I’ll love my work, while also remembering that job security is no longer an expectation. I’ll make time for side hustles not just for my financial health, but for my continued sense of purpose.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay

There’s a relationship theory called relationship ambivalence, where — essentially — the relationship is too good to leave, but too bad to stay in. Because it’s just mediocre enough, you stay, and the relationship rots.

As I reflected on my past year and a half at Amazon, I realized that I was rotting too. I couldn’t leave Amazon; I was learning so much, genuinely enjoyed my leaders and peers, and (most importantly!), was waiting for my stocks to vest. But as I look back, I wonder why I stayed. I never felt smart or skilled enough, and my self-confidence at work plummeted. Both my mental and physical health were declining; friends worried about my increasingly frequent anxiety attacks, and I noticed myself slowly gaining over 30 lbs. Too good to leave, too bad to stay, but I’m sure I would have stayed for a while.

Amazon forced me to create a new beginning, with no plan, but now that I’m here, it’s not that bad. I’m no longer shackled by an idea of what I “should” do, or what will create the most security and opportunity for me. Never in my life have I not known where I would be in a month, but now I’m practicing everyday what it’s like to create new beginnings and think on your feet. It’s more challenging that anything I’ve ever done in an office.

What I’m Up To

For the next three weeks, I’ll be exploring Medellin, Colombia while taking intenseive Spanish classes. This past weekend, a few of my classmates and I went to Parque Arvi, a massive protected park up in the mountains outside Medellin. The altitude was so high up that the metro provides cable cars to ascend up — here’s the view from our cable car as we were arriving.