My fav part was when you realized that none of the approval of others is real , “I was the realest thing “ . May that breakthrough remain steadfast in the rest of your journey.
Loved this piece! I've lived in Brazil for a couple of months years ago and I regret not having tried Ayahuasca back then! I'm determined to try it soon. Either way, your experience looks similar to when I first tried magic mushrooms (without the physical symptoms). I had questions very similar to the ones you had, and I was filled with 'expectations' on the answer I was supposed to be receiving. In my mind, I thought the lesson was clear ("you can set intentions but not expectations"), nevertheless, I was clearly expecting something: an answer, a confirmation, an insight on my life in full "Am I doing the right thing OR NOT???" style. It's pretty funny to think how rationally we approach these experiences.
For this reason, I loved your sentence "I vowed to spend that night asking myself questions a little less rudely; instead of demanding to know what I wanted to do with my life, I would reflect on: What makes me happy?" So beautiful!
It does feel very similar! I think you can get many of the same insights that way without the nausea :) I think that’s the tough part with therapeutic psychedelic use, we’re sold all these stories of people discovering the meaning to life but it doesn’t work that way if you’re so focused on finding it 🥲 Loved hearing that you had a similar experience and I’m glad that mine could bring that back for you!
My favourite insights and my responses are below -
“I imagined the universe as a circle, and I — along with everything else — was running across its perimeter, all at once, like light. I basked in the comfort of being everything and nothing…”
We are all one and are all interlinked. Astonishing really.
“Everything I had discovered, I — on some level — already knew.”
The journey we all must take on our own is within, only we can do this work, we are responsible and no one can help us, there are guides like De Mello and Krishnamurti, but ultimately we must tread this path or remain asleep and in many ways dead.
“I felt that none of this approval was real, and in some weird way, nobody else was as real as I thought them to be.”
Yep, this is our anxiety talking, we literally wake up every morning and recreate ourselves instantly and unconsciously put on our anxiety coat and go out into the world.
It’s literally all on our minds, we make it all up and believe it. It’s a terrible curse when it gets out of hand and out of balance.
But to see this,
to perceive it,
is to be aware of it and then we can identify what is happening and go oh, that’s my amygdala going off, triggering my anxiety, starting by looping self doubting thoughts,
ahhh just be with it,
it’s been identified,
it will settle down,
it will pass as everything passes,
breathe.
“For some reason, I let myself accept my death. I thought about my life in total — and was relieved to feel that, in total, I was somewhat satisfied. Then, I thought about the unavoidable reality of death, and that whether it was now or later, I would have to face it. For all my big questions, no matter how well I answered them, I would die. They seemed smaller, less important. Getting the “right” answer felt like a futile exercise. Nothing I did actually mattered — and that felt awesome.”
Wow.
Such profound insights.
“My only responsibility in this world was to do good and to have fun, and face the end peacefully when it came.”
Thanks for sharing Zefan. I recently returned from the Amazon in June and your photos brought back wonderful memories. Being in the jungle with the old growth trees and the sounds of birds and animals and the rattling and whistling music of our shaman made my first ayahuasca journey an experience to be remembered.
Thank you for writing your experience so beautifully and humbly. I’m also thinking about going to an ayahuasca retreat next year, although I’m trying to avoid reading too many stories from others, stories like this help adjust the expectations ❤️
I’m super happy to hear this! It was an increíble experience, and I think letting it be whatever it will be is so important. I wish I had thought to avoid stories before going in! 🙈
My fav part was when you realized that none of the approval of others is real , “I was the realest thing “ . May that breakthrough remain steadfast in the rest of your journey.
I must have missed seeing this comment before, but it is so fulfilling to read now and be reminded of this lesson 🫶🏽
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Loved this piece! I've lived in Brazil for a couple of months years ago and I regret not having tried Ayahuasca back then! I'm determined to try it soon. Either way, your experience looks similar to when I first tried magic mushrooms (without the physical symptoms). I had questions very similar to the ones you had, and I was filled with 'expectations' on the answer I was supposed to be receiving. In my mind, I thought the lesson was clear ("you can set intentions but not expectations"), nevertheless, I was clearly expecting something: an answer, a confirmation, an insight on my life in full "Am I doing the right thing OR NOT???" style. It's pretty funny to think how rationally we approach these experiences.
For this reason, I loved your sentence "I vowed to spend that night asking myself questions a little less rudely; instead of demanding to know what I wanted to do with my life, I would reflect on: What makes me happy?" So beautiful!
It does feel very similar! I think you can get many of the same insights that way without the nausea :) I think that’s the tough part with therapeutic psychedelic use, we’re sold all these stories of people discovering the meaning to life but it doesn’t work that way if you’re so focused on finding it 🥲 Loved hearing that you had a similar experience and I’m glad that mine could bring that back for you!
Thank you for sharing your journey and experiences with us ❤️
Thanks for sharing.
My favourite insights and my responses are below -
“I imagined the universe as a circle, and I — along with everything else — was running across its perimeter, all at once, like light. I basked in the comfort of being everything and nothing…”
We are all one and are all interlinked. Astonishing really.
“Everything I had discovered, I — on some level — already knew.”
The journey we all must take on our own is within, only we can do this work, we are responsible and no one can help us, there are guides like De Mello and Krishnamurti, but ultimately we must tread this path or remain asleep and in many ways dead.
“I felt that none of this approval was real, and in some weird way, nobody else was as real as I thought them to be.”
Yep, this is our anxiety talking, we literally wake up every morning and recreate ourselves instantly and unconsciously put on our anxiety coat and go out into the world.
It’s literally all on our minds, we make it all up and believe it. It’s a terrible curse when it gets out of hand and out of balance.
But to see this,
to perceive it,
is to be aware of it and then we can identify what is happening and go oh, that’s my amygdala going off, triggering my anxiety, starting by looping self doubting thoughts,
ahhh just be with it,
it’s been identified,
it will settle down,
it will pass as everything passes,
breathe.
“For some reason, I let myself accept my death. I thought about my life in total — and was relieved to feel that, in total, I was somewhat satisfied. Then, I thought about the unavoidable reality of death, and that whether it was now or later, I would have to face it. For all my big questions, no matter how well I answered them, I would die. They seemed smaller, less important. Getting the “right” answer felt like a futile exercise. Nothing I did actually mattered — and that felt awesome.”
Wow.
Such profound insights.
“My only responsibility in this world was to do good and to have fun, and face the end peacefully when it came.”
Double WOW.
Do good.
Do what needs to been done.
Don’t expect anything for doing it.
Selflessness.
Awareness.
It just needed to be done.
Can’t say I’m 100% there yet.
The journey continues.
That is amazing what you pulled out of this. Thank you for sum it up so well.
Thanks for sharing Zefan. I recently returned from the Amazon in June and your photos brought back wonderful memories. Being in the jungle with the old growth trees and the sounds of birds and animals and the rattling and whistling music of our shaman made my first ayahuasca journey an experience to be remembered.
Hey Zefen
You write beautifully. I had to come over and check this out. I didn’t know that babies in any tradition or giving a teaspoon of aya at birth.
Fascinating
I also like what you did receive, and it may still be there this idea about approval not being real. How sweet.
I’m very happy to meet you and look forward to reading more of your work thank you
Thank you for writing your experience so beautifully and humbly. I’m also thinking about going to an ayahuasca retreat next year, although I’m trying to avoid reading too many stories from others, stories like this help adjust the expectations ❤️
I’m super happy to hear this! It was an increíble experience, and I think letting it be whatever it will be is so important. I wish I had thought to avoid stories before going in! 🙈